GOLF JOKES & STORIES
From Great Games for Golf
A collection from emails received over the years

An encounter with a Leprechaun

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrifed, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're alright!," the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're alright."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, alright, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."

"What!," says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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TOP 10 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX  
David Letterman

 #10 -    A below par performance is considered good.

 #9 -      You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.  

#8 -      It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

 #7 -       Foursomes are encouraged. 

 #6 -      You can still make money doing it as a senior.   

 #5 -      Three times a day is possible.

 #4 -      Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.  

 #3 -      If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.  

 #2 -      You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished, 

                                        and best of all................   

 #1 -      If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

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Golf VS common sports

The following is forwarded not to offend baseball, basketball, football or soccer fans.  It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play golf go to tournaments or watch it on TV?

 These truisms may shed light:

 Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

 Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

 Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

 Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

 Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

 Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

 Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

 Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

 When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.

 The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

 You can watch the best  golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30.  
The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

 You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.  
Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.  If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options-
- get rid of it or leave.

 In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

 Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

 Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

 Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. 

Golf doesn't have free agency.

 In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you.  
In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read  "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

 At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words 
and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

 Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.

 Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

 Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?

 During a discussion among the club's membership  board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes 
exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.  By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured 
a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

 Now you know.

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DON'T TRY TO OUTSMART GOD!

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?' The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not.'

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let him do that?'

The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to tell?'

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WHAT ABOUT HARRY??

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.

He answered, "Well, on the fourth hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!"

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COUPLES GOLF

A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole."
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THE FIRST TEE, OR....

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray rose up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
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THE BET I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK!

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first fellow says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
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WEDDING DAY

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. 

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? 

He looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" 
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THE CONFESSION

Two old folks got married.

As they were lying in bed in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love.  It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit; then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I'd better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment, then says, "Have you tried
widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"
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18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

      1.       You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

2.       If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

3.       The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf.

4.       If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

5.       Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.

6.       It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

7.       When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

8.       If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

9.       Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

10.   When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

11.   You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy cool golf stuff.

12.   You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

13.   There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

14.   If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

15.   Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

16.   Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

17.   You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

18. Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”

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Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Quips

 #10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
       Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 #9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
      Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

 #8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
      Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 #7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
      Caddy: "Eventually." 

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
     Caddy: "I don't think so sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence."

 #5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too much of a distraction." 
      Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

 #4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"  
      Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." 

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
     Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." 

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
     Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."

 and the #1 best caddy comment: 

     Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." 
     Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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WATCH FOR BEARS!

The Montana Department of Fish & Wildlife advises golfers to take extra precautions against bears, 
while playing on golf courses in the Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests. 

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, 
but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. 

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.   It is also a good idea to 
watch for signs of bear activity. For  example, golfers should be able to recognize the difference between 
Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings on the golf course. 

Black Bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. 

Grizzly Bear droppings have bells in them, and smell like pepper spray. 
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ALL About GOLF

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by
the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

7. A "gimmie" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. T
   The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme" Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've really reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work ..and both are Expensive.

15. The best wood in most golfers' bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers ... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf... it is also just a matter of time
before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!
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The Bum

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Stranded on a deserted island

One day a man, who had been stranded on an island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the 
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. 
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW,
that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

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JACK AND THE POPE

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

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