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Great Golf Jokes

admin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:17:18 +0000

After starting this site 7 years ago, I started accumulating many funny golf jokes from friends. I started another blog dedicated to great golf jokes. Here are a few of my favorites.

Fortune Teller Surprise – Golf Joke

On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller the golfer asks: “Are there golf courses in Heaven?”
The fortune teller replies: “I have good news, and I have bad news…”
Golfer: “So what’s the good news?”
Fortune Teller: “The good news is that Heaven’s golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
Golfer: “How could there be any bad news with that?”
Fortune Teller: “You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”

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A Golf Story from the Farm – Golf Joke

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, ‘What happened to you?’
‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.’
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’
‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the
Cow’s’ butt.’
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’
‘I don’t remember much after that……’

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Spelling Lesson – Golf Joke

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
During the putting session, she innocently, she asked; “Is it spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”
“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied, and then went on to explain…
“Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt typically means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

Please visit Great Golf Jokes for more humorous jokes related to golf and to submit your own golf joke.

Funny Golf Videos

admin — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:05:40 +0000

Junior Newts on Golf

Great Golf Quotes

admin — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:19:00 +0000

* These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
* You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen.~ Lee Trevino
* I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
* Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
* The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
* Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
* I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
* After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie f or a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
* The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
* Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
* My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
* I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
* There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
* Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best ~ Jack Nicklaus
* The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H G Wells
* If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
* While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
* If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
* You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

Secrets to Business Golf

admin — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:41:14 +0000

Follow these guidelines for successful business golf outings!

Planning the Outing:
Its all about the impression you create – plan well!

Invite the right people – are they compatible?
Know your objectives and don’t plan too much focus on business
Know the skill levels of your playing partners – manage expectations
Play a familiar course and know local rules
Ask your guest for any time constraints before or after the round
Arrive plenty early and help your guest get acclimated
Tell your guest both the arrival time and the tee time.
Plan for meals
Understand course etiquette and basic rules
If you’re the host, consider bring them a golf gift such as a book of Golf Games!!, or a sleeve of balls, divot repair tool, ball marker etc.

And be sure to tell them about Great Games for Golf.com !!!

Be Prepared:
Your image is first affected by how well you appear prepared.

Schedule tee times well in advance and confirm the day before
Give the pro shop the names of your guests
Inform your guests of any dress codes or weather concerns
Have extra business cards with you
Know about the driving range and where to get practice balls
Have cash ready for tipping.

Attitude:
Remember, your guests will remember more about conduct and integrity than what score you got!

Maintain a positive attitude and sense of humor
Be encouraging to your guests
Avoid foul language and displays of temper.
Focus on your client or guest, not your golf score
Be sensitive to your guests sense of rules on the course – be compatible
Watch your language and temper tantrums
Offer to keep score – or not – if they would rather

Conduct on the Course:
You don’t have to be a great player to be great to play with!

Stand still and be quiet when your partners are hitting a shot or putting.
Understand the basic rules – but don’t be the rules enforcer
Know where carts are not supposed to be (around tees and greens)
Be a good citizen and fix your divots, ball marks and rake traps
Beware of casting shadows in other players putting line
Buy beverages and snacks if you’re the host – Limit alcohol consumption
Keep your conversations quiet – be aware of golfers on adjacent holes
Count every stroke and penalty shot of your own when scoring
Let your playing partners tell you their score – don’t challenge them

Speed of Play:
Don’t make your guests wait on you!

Be at the first tee on time and ready to go
Ask the group if they mind playing “ready” golf (no order to teeing off)
Keep it moving. Have a simple pre-shot routine– one practice swing
If you’ve hit more than 7 shots consider picking up to keep it moving
Don’t take too long hunt for a lost ball – be ready with a spare

Betting:
If planned well, a little bet can add a lot of fun to the outing.

Agree on the game and stakes before you tee off.
This can be dangerous territory. Let your guest take the lead on betting –
Use the book Great Games for Golf for fun game options for betting!
Keep the stakes low – consider non-cash awards (like drinks)
Pay any debts immediately at the conclusion of the round
If you win, it’s courtesy to offer to buy a round of drinks
Play your game … don’t lose intentionally
Be a gracious winner or loser – keep a smile on your face.

Doing Business During the Round:
Maintain a careful balance of fun to business for a great outing

Listen attentively-let the client/prospect take the lead on business talk.
Be ready with important information about your company
Ask general business questions to open the conversation
Observe behavior traits for clues to business style
Don’t press for commitments on the course – keep it general
Think “long term” relationship.

Follow Through After the Round:
Leverage your opportunities

Try to include a casual lunch, refreshments
Watch for an opportunities to get commitments you’re seeking ie.
“I would like to follow up with you…, Can we plan on…, Shall we go ahead and…..?
Schedule a date for the next meeting and agree on objectives
Send a thank you note within 24 hours
Keep your promises!

Be sure to order our Business Golf Event Planners Guide

Glossary of Golf Terms

admin — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 08:23:12 +0000

Commonly used terms for golf games.

Ace	A hole in one.
Address	When you take your stance and line up the club to hit the ball.
Adjusted Gross Score	Your score after you apply your handicap stroke allowance.
Air ball	When you miss hit causing the ball to go extremely high with little distance. Also may define a swing and a miss. (see “whiff”)
Approach Shot	A stroke intended to land on the ball on the green.
Away	The “away ball” is furthest from the hole when more than one golfer is playing. Convention says that it is to be played first.
Back Nine	The last nine holes of an 18 hole course.
Backspin	Reverse spin applied to the ball and prevents it from bouncing forward after landing; same as “Bite.”
Banana Ball	A ball struck that is sliced such that it curves off to the side in a banana shaped trajectory.
Barkie	When your ball hits any part of a tree and you still complete the hole with a par.
Beach	Any sand bunker.
Best Ball	A competition where any individual or team compete to earn the best net score to record on the scorecard for each hole.
Birdie	Posting a score that is one stroke under par on any hole.
Bird Nest	When your ball lands in the thick rough and lies like an egg surrounded by deep grass.
Blocked Shot	When you strike the ball late in your swing causing it to travel to the right of the target. (or left for lefties)
Blood	As in “no blood,” meaning no points were won or lost.
Bogey	Posting a score that is one over par for the hole.
Bunker	A hazard filled by sand or grass that is typically placed where a fairway or approach shot may land.
Bump and run	A chip shot that lands in from of the target and rolls towards the hole.
Carry	The distance that your ball travels in the air after being struck to the place where it first hits the ground.
Carry Overs	Used to describe a tie, where no one wins a bet on the hole and the points are added to the points available on the next hole.
Casual Water	Rain or watering puddles that collect on the course as opposed to a permanent water hazard. You are allowed to take relief if you are in casual water or move your ball if you have to putt through it on the green.
Chili-dip	To hit the ground before the ball when attempting to chip, resulting in an errant, weak lofted shot.
Chip Shot	An iron shot from within a few feet of the green that is often executed with a putting motion creating a low trajectory running ball that tracks to the hole.
Choke	A description used when a player or team collapses under pressure during a match. Also, to grip down on the club handle further than normal.
Course Rating	Used by golf associations to rate the degree of difficulty of a course. aka Slope
D.O.	Condition described when a man does not hit his drive past the women’s tee. I will leave the full meaning to your imagination.
Dogleg	Describing a hole where the fairway curves noticeably to the left or right.
Dormie	Term given to describe the situation when you cannot win a match against your competitor(s) because if you win every remaining hole your best result would be a tie.
Double Bogey	Two shots over par
Double Eagle	Three shots under par; also known as albatross.
Down	Number of stokes or holes you are behind your opponent(s).
Draw	Striking the ball in such a way that it creates sidespin causing it to curve noticeably to the left for right handed players. Opposite of the “fade.”
Drive	A shot made from the tee area.
Drop	Bringing the ball back into play after striking the last shot out of bounds or into a water hazard etc. The ball is released from an outstretched arm held at shoulder height.
Duck Hook	A ball hit with so much sidespin it hooks radically to the left for right handed player.
Duffer	An unskilled golfer. a..k.a a hacker
Dunk	To hit your ball into a water hazard.
Eagle	A score that is two under par for a hole.
Equitable Stroke Control Method (ESC)	Equitable Stroke Control (ESC) is the system put in place by the USGA to eliminate the effect of “distaster holes.” You know, that one hole per round where you put three balls in the water and then 5-putt. It’s also a way to combat those pernicious sandbaggers who intentionally blow up on a hole in order to raise their handicaps. Equitable Stroke Control puts a limit on the number of strokes you can write down on the scorecard for any one hole, based on your course handicap.
Fade	Striking the ball in such a way that it creates sidespin causing it to curve noticeably to the right for right handed players. Opposite of the Draw.
Fairway	The playing area between the tee and the green bordered by rough.
Fairway Hit	Causing the ball to land and stop on the fairway from the tee on holes greater than par 3.
Flier	When a ball travels further than the selected club would cause one to expect.
Four Ball	Where two pairs of golfers play in match play against each other in one foursome.
Foursome	Any group of four golfers playing a round together.
Fried Egg	When a ball lands steeply in a bunker causing it to rest in a crater sand with the ball substantially below the surface.
Fringe	The short grass surrounding the green before the fairway grass or rough.
Front Nine	The first nine holes of an 18 hole course.
Get Down	To putt the ball into the hole. Also yelled by players when trying to command their ball not to travel too far.
Get Legs	A term used by golfers to encourage the ball to keep rolling when they suspect it may stop short.
GHIN	Golf Handicap Information Network. The governing body of the handicapping system in the US. See www.ghin.com
Gimmie	When your ball comes to rest so close to the hole that your opponent decides you may assume that only one stroke would be required to putt it in and offers to allow you to simply count that stroke and pick the ball up. Usually when you are twenty inches or less from the hole.
Go to School	To study the travel of a previous putt to ‘read’ the green.
Grain	The angle at which the grass on the green lies. Playing against it or with it affects the speed of the ball when putting.
Green in Regulation	The number of shots you are expected to play before getting your ball onto the green. Always two shots less than the par of the hole.
Gross score	Your score over 18 holes before you reduce it by deducting your handicap strokes.
Ground Under Repair	Areas of the course under repair. Balls may be removed from them without penalty.
Grounding the Club	To place the club on the ground prior to striking the ball when addressing it.
Hacker	An unskilled golfer prone to hitting shots into trouble resulting in high scores.
Halve A Hole	In any game where opponents scores are the same resulting in no points won or lost.
Halve A Match	When the competition results in a draw because opponents have the same points, score, or won the same number holes in the round.
Handicap	The number of strokes a player is given to adjust his score from par. It allows golfers of different abilities to compete on equal terms.
Handicap Allowance	Your adjusted handicap depending on the type of competition you have entered.
Handicap Index	Your handicap index is a mathematical calculation of your playing ability on an average course. Maximum index allowed is 36.4 for men and 40.4 for women.
Handicap System	Established by the USGA and managed by the Golf Handicap Information Network (GHIN) this creates a method of adjusting golfers’ scores to a standard such that they can compete on equal terms.
Handicap-Stroke Hole	A hole where in competition where a player receives a shot from their opponent. It is determined by the stroke index of the hole listed on the scorecard.
Hack or Hacker	A poor golfer.
Halve A Hole	In match play, refers to a draw when both opponents take the same number of shots to complete the hole.
Hazard	Permanent features on the golf course designed to obstruct play.
Hcp	Handicap
“Hit a Brick”	A direct request to a ball rolling rapidly towards the hole in a fashion that it appears it will go substantially past the desired resting place. Also used to describe a generally poor shot.
Hit a House	see Hit a brick.
Hole High	Means that the ball has landed on the green even with the hole when measured from the front to the back of the green.
Hole In One	The ball goes straight into the hole from your tee shot.
Hole Out	To finish play on one hole by hitting the ball into the cup
Honor	The honor on the tee goes to last player to win a hole. The player with the honor tees off first.
Hook	A hit on the ball causing sidespin such that it curves dramatically to the left (for right handed players). The extreme of a “draw,” opposite of a slice.
Hustler	Word to describe someone who maintains an artificially high handicap in order to win bets.
Jungle	A description for heavy rough.
Jail	As in “In Jail,” describing when a players ball lands in a spot that is difficult or impossible to hit from
KP	“Closest to the Pin” on par 3’s. He who lands the ball on the green, closest to the hole and makes at least Par wins the “KP” point. Also known as a “Greenie” in some parts of the country.
Knockdown Shot	A shot played low into the wind.
Lag	A putt that is intended to get the ball near to the hole not expecting it to go in.
Lay Up	When you try to get close to the hole to prepare for a putt.
Lateral Water Hazard	A water hazard running parallel to the fairway.
Lie	The position and condition around a ball at rest.
Line	The intended path of the golf ball.
Links	Golf course within only a few miles of a major body of water. Characteristically with open rolling fairways, lots of sand, high grass and brush.
Lip	The edge of the hole.
Lob Shot	When you try to hit a shot where the flies to maximum height and short distance. Normally used when you are trying to avoid an obstacle. Phil Mickelson is famous for these.
Local Rules	Additional rules at a given course you must follow.
Long Game	That part of your game where you hit the ball over 160 yards.
Match Play	A form of competition where each hole is won, lost or tied (halved). The winner is the person who wins the most holes. A winning score of 3 and 2 means that the winner won by being 3 holes ahead with 2 left to play.
Medal Play	A competitive round where all shots are recorded and the winner is the one who took the least number strokes on 18 holes.
Mulligan	When you are allowed to replay any one shot during a round. (Usually off the tee) Often allowed on the first drive when people claim not to be warmed up. Not allowed in an official scoring game.
Net Score	A player’s score after handicap deductions.
Nassau	Common bet for a match that divides a match into three segments; the front nine, the back nine and the total score.
Nineteenth Hole	When players meet in the clubhouse or bar after playing 18 holes.
On the Dance Floor	When the ball has come to rest on the green.
OB	Ball out of bounds. Requires a player to lose another stroke and hit again from the same location.
Pin	Same as “flagstick”
Pairings	Two player groups, or two golfers playing together in competition.
Par	The number of shots a good golfer should take for a hole or round. Par for a hole reflects the number of well executed shots needed to reach the green plus two for putting. Par for the course is calculated by adding all the hole par’s together.
Partner	Players on the same side in the same group or match.
Penalty Stroke	A stroke added to a player’s score due to a rule infringement, taking relief from a hazard or an unplayable lie.
Pin	The pole inside the hole on the green with a flag attached. aka “Flagstick”
Pin High	A ball that came to rest even with the pin but off to one side. Same as “hole high”
Pin placement (position)	The location of a hole on a putting green. Usually described as “front,” “middle,” or “back.”
Pitch	A ball you hit high into the air onto the green using a lofted club and less than a full swing.
Pitch and Run	To pitch the ball onto the green in such a way that it rolls towards the hole after it first lands.
Press	Increasing an previously agreed bet during a match after it started.
Pro-Am	A tournament where a golf pro is partnered with an amateur.
Provisional Ball	The playing of a second ball from the same place as the first because the player is unsure of what may have happened to the first ball (i.e. it may be lost or OB).
Punch Shot	Where the ball is struck on the down-stroke of a partial swing resulting in a short low shot; typically used to hit the ball out of rough or to keep the ball below the wind.
Push	When you unintentionally cause the ball to fly or roll in an outward direction after being struck .
Quitting on the ball	Slowing your swing down before hitting the ball causing an errant shot.
Reading the Green	The act of identifying the preferred path the ball to get it in the hole.
Recovery Shot	To bring the ball back into a favorable playing position from an unfavorable one such as a hazard.
Regulation	The expected and correct result of your strokes on any given hole. Playing a par 4 in regulation means your tee shot lands in the fairway, your second shot lands on the green and you two putt for par.
Release	When you hit the ball such that it rolls freely on impact with the green. Also refers to movement of golfer’s hands during a swing.
Relief	To move the ball without penalty in accordance with the rules.
Rough	The high grass area adjacent to the fairway and green.
Round robin	A tournament in which everyone gets to play everyone else.
Run	The distance that the ball continues to travel after it’s initial impact with the ground.
Skins	A betting game that awards the money to the player with the lowest score on a hole. In case of a tie, the points available on the hole are carried over to the next hole until someone wins.
Sandbagger	A player who understates their ability (may even not post all their scores to maintain a high handicap) in order to win in competition.
Sandy	You still makes par on a hole after landing in a sand hazard.
Scramble	Team competition where players play from the position of the best ball of a team member after every stroke or drive.
Scratch (scratch player)	A player without handicap, meaning that on average they will complete the course with a score of par.
Shank	To strike the ball with any the part of the club head other than the middle causing an ugly shot.
Short Game	Chipping, Pitching and Putting.
Shotgun Start	Tournament in which teams start from different holes at the same time rather than one at time from the first tee.
Side hill lie	When the ball comes to rest on a slope.
“Sit”	Asking the ball to stop as soon as possible.
“Sit Down”	A term used when a golfer wishes to implore the ball to land or stop rolling. Usually follows yelling “sit.”
Skull	Hitting the ball above it’s center resulting in a low errant shot.
Sky Ball	When you strike too low on the ball causing it to fly straight up. Normally happens off the tee or from the rough.
Slice	A shot that curves dramatically left to right as a result of sidespin for a right handed player. The converse applies to a left-handed player. See Banana Ball.
Slope	A rating applied to every course that measures it’s degree of difficulty. This will allow an adjustment of your handicap to the difficulty of the course you play. The more difficult the course, the more strokes you’ll need. An average course will have a slope rating of 113.
Snake	Describing a long putt which travels over the undulations of the green. Also, a three-putt on any green.
Snap Hook	To severely hook the ball.
Stableford	Using point scoring rather than strokes in competition . One point for a bogey, two points for a par, three for a birdie, four for an eagle and five for a double eagle.
Stroke Index	The measure of difficulty on any given hole shown on the course score card. 1 = the most difficult hole. 18 = the easiest hole.
Stroke play	A competition in which the total number of strokes for one round, or a pre-determined number of rounds, determines the winner.
Sweet Spot	The preferred spot on the club face with which to strike the ball.
Tending the Flag	To hold the flagstick such that a player may aim for it and then remove it as the balls approaches.
Texas wedge	Name given to putter when it used from off the green.
Thin Shot	To strike the ball above it’s center causing a low shot that bounces along the ground rather than rise into the air.
Thread	To hit the ball through a very tight gap.
Threesome	Three players playing a round together.
Triple bogey	The term is used to describe a score of three over par on a hole.
Twosome	A group of two golfers.
Unplayable lie	When ball ends up in a position from which it cannot be played forcing the player to take a drop and an extra stroke.
Up	A golfer’s lead in strokes or holes over an opponent.
Up and Down	When you miss the green in regulation but still achieve par.
Water hole	A hole with water, such as a stream or lake, that forces the players to shoot over it.
Whiff	A mighty swing at the ball that connects with nothing but air.
Uphill Lie	When your ball comes to rest on an uphill slope.
USGA	The United States Golf Association is the governing body for the game of golf since it’s formation in 1894. Learn more at www.usga.com
Woodie	When the ball hits any part of a tree and the golfer still completes the hole with a par.
Worm Burner	A shot which rolls along the ground.
Yips	When you miss simple putts or chips because of nerves.

Golf Tournament Checklist

admin — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 08:48:54 +0000

Are you planning a golf tournament or golf event? I’ve compiled a comprehensive checklist that will help you with the logistics of organizing and planning your next tournament so that it is a successful event.

Click here for the Golf Tournament Checklist >